MrNepathy's Blog

So I was watching the news this morning… I should stop here to say that I don’t really watch the news. It’s more accurate to say that I catch glimpses of the news while doing other things. Usually I see the news on a bank of televisions and cannot hear what is going on but merely read the closed captioning. Half the time the images melt into one giant thing so that I think Zack and Slater are protesting health care reform, or that Glen Beck is talking about the NCAA tournament. I find the world is a far more pleasant place when I know less about what is going on in it. But my eyes could not ignore the phrase, “Cheeseburger in a Can” written in the same font that they use for “Terrorists Attack Fish Hatchery” and “Athlete’s Foot – The New Silent Killer.” The right font means, “This news story is epic and if you miss it, you will likely be killed by the ravenous woodchucks we just said are rampaging through your town. The headline: How many Teds can a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck Teds?” (more…)

A few weeks ago an unthinkable crime was committed and I was its victim by proxy. By now you’ve heard the rumors, maybe you’ve seen the shocking photos, but I’ve been asked, warned even, not to go to the police. So I’m going to you.

My terrapin was kidnapped right from my work place. Not even Captain America and Hawkeye could protect him. They were overpowered. Though I did not witness the struggle, knowing those brave Avengers I can only assume they fought valiantly to guard their reptile in arms. Now my terrapin is out there all alone. I’ve been sent proof of life in the form of a photo of Testudo with his limbs bound together and a gag shoved in his mouth. (more…)

I’m a firm believer in the guideline to get to the airport two hours before a flight. It’s a pain and often means a lot of sitting around bored, but I like the peace of mind that comes from everything being handled so I can sit back, enjoy an overpriced coffee and watch something I’ve watched a dozen times before. So I arrived at the airport almost two hours early and got into the short lines for Midwest. Rather than having the long snaked path through retractable straps, Midwest had arranged it into six or seven short lines that each led to a kiosk. It was the Tuesday before Christmas, so naturally they were short staffed and some of the kiosks were broken. The guy behind was on his way to New York and then on to Saudi Arabia. His flight was at 7:25 and mine was at 8:30. Despite being the next person in line for about fifteen minutes, I hadn’t moved due to various problems. (more…)

               A friend of mine said there is a gaping hole in my blog about apocalyptic scenarios and that hole is aliens. I apparently neglected them entirely. Aliens are to my friend as clowns are to me, so clearly I have disappointed him. I aim to correct that oversight now. (more…)

              I was talking to friends the other evening and naturally the subject turned towards the apocalypse. One wondered what our contingency plan is for the mummy invasion, which is, to be fair, a good question but I was not ready with an answer. That probably surprises a great many of you because I know you immediately think of me when pondering our darkest hours. Of course some of you probably immediately think of me because you think I will cause our darkest hour, but that is only because you’ve seen me play Fallout 3. (more…)

The events of this blog happened a while back, but I still like the story, so here it is:

          As part of my new “be a responsible adult” thing, I logged on to my bank’s website to check my account and balance my checkbook. Of course, I did this from work because I was bored, but, I figure responsible adults get bored at work so this is 100 percent okay. (more…)

   Every once in a while something so marvelously absurd happens that my brain cannot come up with a single thing to say in response. After several of these episodes, I have come up with a few theories as to why it occurs. Either in an effort to preserve my sanity, my brain refuses to absorb the information and therefore cannot respond to a stimuli it does not perceive or there are too many things to comment on and every sarcastic neuron fires at once jamming my ability to communicate. (more…)

               Someone threw a shoe at George W. Bush and he dodged it like he was one part cheetah, one part ninja. This leads me to only one plausible conclusion; some of us are about to be killed by robotic squid. (more…)

The Top 100 Unlikely Things I am Still More Likely to Do than Drinking
 
100. Denounce Coca Cola in favor of RC Cola. It’s the Datsun of Colas.
99. Give up my quest to one day, eat a panda.
98. Go on tour as bass player for Metallica.
97. Become America’s first Libertarian president.
96. Build the Ninth Wonder of the World.
95. Become the first woman to land on Neptune. Read that again.
94. Start a dance craze.
93. Go a week without sarcasm.
92. Proclaim cake as the superior dessert to pie.
91. Become a host on The View.
90. Smoke.
89. Run the Boston Marathon in fifteen minutes.
88. Run the Boston Marathon in fifteen minutes, while smoking.
87. Beat Ivan at minis.
86. Say I hate Toad the Wet Sprocket.
85. Develop Force powers and revive the Jedi Academy. This is unlikely because we all know I’d be evil in minutes.
84. Lead the zombie resistance and retake Australia.
83. Say that someone at the company I work for right now made a good business decision.
82. Turn the Taj Mahal into a skate park.
81. Finally use my Jedi points from Hasbro.
80. Play Duke Nuke’em Forever.
79. Vote for a gay marriage ban.
78. Marry Alyssa Milano. Note: I want this to happen, but I still think the odds are slim.
77. Marry Ed Asner. He could do better.
76. Eat beets.
75. Become a cowboy.
74. Say, “Wow, there hasn’t been a World War II video game in a while.”
73. Beat Shawn or Craig at a Madden football game.
72. Kill a rabbit.
71. Become the Human Torch. Again, this is only unlikely because of biology, not desire.
70. Pay to see a Woody Allen film.
69. Own Nighthawks, by Edward Hopper.
68. Win Project Runway.
67. Watch Survivor.
66. Win an Olympic gold medal in pairs skating, by myself.
65. Become a pundit on Crossfire.
64. Two words: S.W.A.T. Sniper.
63. Wear a Bertuzzi jersey.
62. Get through this list… this is hard.
61. Win Miss Teen U.S.A.
60. Say, “Gosh the sales people are being patient today.”
59. Be one of those fishermen on Deadly Catch.
58. Create an Atlas Shrugged coloring book.
57. Not cry when I read the end of Watership Down.
56. Become a spokesperson for the Ford Focus.
55. Lead a cult in Nebraska. This is unlikely because I’ve always thought Oklahoma was more ripe for cults.
54. Pilot a veritech fighter. Though, again, I want this to happen. If we ever have these, I’m joining the military.
53. Finish watching Evangaleon. It’s on my to-do list.
52. Be able to accurately fire a rubber band.
51. Think it’s better that Greedo shoots first.
50. Not want to hug the giant Pikachu when I see it at Wizard World.
49. Ski K2.
48. Drink lima bean iced tea.
47. Say, “You know, Hot Rod really was the best choice to lead the Autobots.”
46. Not smile when I watch Snoopy dance, or hear him laugh.
45. Think that a live action movie about the Grinch is a good idea.
44. Accept Marlon Wayans as Ripcord.
43. Watch “Charlie the Unicorn” again.
42. Become a vampire.
41. Understand the plot of a Metal Gear game.
40. Proclaim Family Circus as the funniest comic strip of all time.
39. Hug a clown.
38. Not believe that lightning is my best chance to develop super powers.
37. Achieve the title, “Lord of the Dance.”
36. Defeat Juju.
35. When given the choice between the two, take “death” over “cake.”
34. Buy another Splinter Cell game.
33. Get my money from that lottery winner in Nigeria.
32. Put a squid down my pants.
31. Put a frozen turkey up my shirt.
30. Put a live turkey up my shirt.
29. Go to a midnight release of High School Musical 3.
28. Win a Grammy for Best Rap Song.
27. Eat an actual blue raspberry straight from the blue raspberry bush on which it grew, probably cared for by a unicorn.
26. Trip the light fandango.
25. Like the song “Blinded by the Light.”
24. Taunt Happy Fun Ball.
23. Be the subject of a “very special episode” of Cops.
22. Refer to the Lord of the Rings movies as “the original trilogy.”
21. Accept Garfield the Cat as my spiritual mentor.
20. Be high enough to understand the lyrics for “Tom Sawyer.”
19. Remember which one is Kate and which is Allie on the same day I remember which is Cagney, which is Lacey.
18. Join Scientology. Lawsonomy represent.
17. Enter into a completely physical relationship with a cactus. Even a good looking one.
16. Type any more jokes about me getting it on with a cactus.
15. Build a better mousetrap.
14. Tell another joke that somehow bridges the gap between Anne Frank and a Star Wars novel written about Star Wars Galaxies. It was funny, just hard to do.
13. Not grumble when I write a check to the federal government.
12. Cheer for the Bichon in the Westminster Dog Show.
11. Be involved in a court case called, “The United States versus Dwayne.”
10. Get “nepathy” into the Oxford English Dictionary.
9. Own an orangutan ranch.
8. Punt a penguin.
7. Dress as Jar-Jar.
6. Make a peanut butter-spackle sandwich.
5. Try to take away your right to drink or smoke.
4. Become Captain America.
3. Use spray hair.
2. Nominate Kevin J. Anderson for the Pulitzer Prize for fiction.
1. Renounce bacon.