MrNepathy's Blog

A few weeks ago an unthinkable crime was committed and I was its victim by proxy. By now you’ve heard the rumors, maybe you’ve seen the shocking photos, but I’ve been asked, warned even, not to go to the police. So I’m going to you.

My terrapin was kidnapped right from my work place. Not even Captain America and Hawkeye could protect him. They were overpowered. Though I did not witness the struggle, knowing those brave Avengers I can only assume they fought valiantly to guard their reptile in arms. Now my terrapin is out there all alone. I’ve been sent proof of life in the form of a photo of Testudo with his limbs bound together and a gag shoved in his mouth.

The kidnappers are asking for a million dollars, which is an amount that it’s hard for me to raise. Maybe if they asked for $900,000 that would be easier given my ten percent salary reduction. But I have raised it and there is a picture of it on my Facebook page. Take a good look at it Kidnappers. Click on the picture and select “save as” to download the photo to your hard drive because that’s the closest you’re going to get to it.

If there’s one thing I learned from Mel Gibson, it’s how not to get out of a traffic ticket. But if I learned a second thing from him, it’s to turn the tables on the kidnappers. So I’m putting this money out as a reward for Testudo’s return. Because Terrapins aren’t afraid, except of maybe Nittany Lions. And Terrapins never surrender, though they have been known to “phone in” the fourth quarter.

I’ve compiled a list of facts and possible suspects.

Here’s what I know for certain:

The crime took place after I left work for the day. I leave every day at four o’clock in the afternoon. The monkey that acts as overwatch for my desk saw nothing as his eyes were covered. Optimus Prime, Chewbacca, Captain America, Hawkeye, Spider-man, lawman Twinkie the Kid and WALL-E were all on the ground when I came into work the next day. They had to be revived. Merman and Darth Vader were also down. The Domokon was turned around facing the corner. I don’t know what he was doing. I hope he wasn’t “killing kittens.” While I was in Florida for Christmas I began to receive demands from his kidnappers as well as puzzle pieces that when put together revealed my Terrapin in his horrible confines. He looks healthy, but undernourished.

The kidnappers aren’t above coercion. I’ve received letters from people within the company that have been forced to pass on messages. These messages have come from Georgia, California, Tennessee and Wisconsin. This tells us two things. The first is that the kidnapper is not above strong-arm tactics. The letters all contained references to threat, but also a tone of fear. Clearly the kidnapper has frightened these people. They acted against their will. I wish them safety and to that end I have not printed their names here. Second it tells us that the kidnapper has resources. National resources. You should be wary.

Possible suspects:

The most obvious suspect is the Blue Devil. In the early 1990s I witnessed the Blue Devil stabbing Testudo with a pitchfork. Testudo was alert enough to grab the pitchfork, knock over the Blue Devil and keep him pinned to the ground with a foot. The Blue Devil could be holding a grudge. Also recently I’ve been fighting an avatar of the Blue Devil online. I’ve been using my alter ego, Gun Metal, but he may have discovered my true identity. I’ve attempted to end his criminal empire, but clearly it has been to no avail.

If this was an inside job, Merman and Darth Vader are the most likely suspects. Merman isn’t smart enough to pull something like this off by himself and he’s easily manipulated, so he may have been pressured into the crime. Darth Vader, who choked his own wife and thus somehow caused her to die of heartache, which kills almost as many people each year as cooties, could have done it. Considering first contact from the kidnappers was made from someone named Nat-Ali Portman, a reference to an actress that resembles Padme, it certainly looks like Vader was in on it. Of course, that could be a red herring.

Though I like his work to clean up the environment, I would be remiss if I didn’t include WALL-E in the list of suspects. My published writings on the possible robot apocalypse have made me a primary target of the automaton leadership. It’s like living with a reticle on my forehead. In the documentary about WALL-E it was revealed that he can override his programming at will, which led one of my close friends to declare the documentary a horror film. It’s a point I can no longer refute.

Given the attack on Optimus Prime, who is holding the Matrix of Leadership, and given my often boisterous rants against Hot Rod, Hot Rod would have to be included on any thorough suspect list. Could the kidnapping all be a ruse to conceal that the real purpose of the crime was the attack on Optimus Prime? Possibly.

Recently a “mouse” was scene at work. Seeing as how Terrapins are superior to ordinary turtles and even mutant ninja turtles, it’s quite possible that fallen, once popular turtles are to blame. They’re all named for Renaissance artists and I have a postcard of an Edward Hopper painting on my cubicle wall. Jealous of my preference for a different artistic time period? They’re led by a rat and a rodent is seen in the office around the time of the crime? Coincidence? It’s my experience that there’s no such thing. Either way, Corey Feldman should be arrested at once and brought in for questioning. Even if he’s not guilty of this, it’s probably just a good idea.

I must also include pandas on the list. Atlanta just got a panda for its zoo, which was evident by all of the panda merchandise on sale in the Atlanta airport. Then I had a hard time getting out of Atlanta on Sunday. Could it be that the pandas did not want me to escape? Could the kidnapping of my terrapin be the first volley in an international panda versus human war? All pandas should be detained and marinated immediately.

Gary Sinise. After all, he was guilty in the Mel Gibson case.

And of course kittens who want revenge against the Domokon who is only acting out the will of a higher power.

Helpful information:

Terrapins are carnivores and as his mouth is gagged, it’s quite possible that Testudo bit his captors. So check hospitals for anyone suffering from “unusual canine bites.” Warning, these people might be werewolves instead. Captain America and Hawkeye wouldn’t go down without a fight, so also look for anyone suffering blunt force trauma from a shield or piercing damage from arrows. With Chewbacca present, it’s possible that the person has also had an arm or two pulled off. Wookiees have been known to do that.

To those that are responsible, I only have this to say: You will be hunted. You will be found. My minions will not rest until Testudo is safe and warm, well not really warm because it’s freezing in the office, back at home where he belongs. I would wish mercy upon your soul, but for some things there is no divine clemency. As Shepherd Book once said, there’s a special place for you with people who talk at the theater.

To those on the hunt: Exhaust all resources (your resources, not mine, I’m on what I’m quaintly calling “a fixed income”) in the search for my terrapin. You will be handsomely rewarded. No questions will be asked upon his return so long as he is unharmed.

And last, Testudo if you can read this, know that we love you and we won’t ever stop searching for you. You missed Christmas. We left a place for you at the table in case you returned. Your gifts and stocking are waiting for you. We’re waiting for you. Be strong. Bite them in the face if you can.

Go Terps.